Thinking of Zubin

August 2018

The week of August 20 was back to school week in our elementary school district. Families got their class placements the Friday before the first week of school, which is a short week with school starting on a Wednesday. Kids greeted their room placements with either whoops of joy or disappointed eye rolls, depending on whether they were placed in the same room as their friends for the upcoming year. Friends called each other and discussed how great the next year was going to be. They couldn’t wait to see each other after the summer. They had plans for the new year. There were play dates, and discussion about school trips and other fun events expected during the year. The senior class (6th grade) dreamt of walking around school as the big bosses. Kids were bouncing up and down with excitement. Moms were feeling mixed emotions. On the one hand, now there were school lunches and rushed breakfasts to worry about, on the other there was relief that kids will now be kept busy with the return of a schedule that would include school days and after-school extra-curricular activities. I enjoyed spending time with my cuties over the summer, but overall school was a positive change for sure.

Until last year I was mom to one of these elementary school kids. Zubin would have been in 6th grade this year. Last year he had designed his t-shirt for the first day of school. He had woken up early, dressed quickly and impressed me with the speed at which he had finished breakfast so we could leave for school. Zubin loved school. He loved meeting up with friends. He loved school work. He loved being on upper grade playground.

This year they are all moving on without him. They are all so busy that the school hasn’t had time to build a proper memorial for him. They are excited about future and my son is now an after thought.

What did I do on the first day of school this year? I cried a lot, mostly early in the morning, when I was supposed to wake up Zubin for school. I ached for him. My heart bled. I texted congratulations and best wishes for a great new year to Zubin’s friends and considered their affectionate replies back as little hugs from him. Then I closed myself off from all the excitement in the air and climbed back into my dark crypt.

Sometimes, it is only possible to breathe by building thick insulating walls around oneself.  I am still waiting for the courage to open a door. I love you my zuzu-bean and I miss you.

Aug 8, 2018

It is time to return to the house in US. I don’t call it home because in my mind I don’t have a home any more. There is a saying “Home is where the heart is.” So if my heart is broken, do I lose my home too? It would seem so. The old definition of home no longer applies in my mind. Home included Zubin. Now it is just the three of us – trying to keep it together in a place that constantly calls out to the little boy who made it come alive with laughter and pranks.

As we walked out of the hotel room in Hong Kong, I felt a sinking feeling that I was missing something. I realized it was because I was going back without Zubin. Subconsciously I might still be looking for him. Maybe I came to Asia to wait out my pain? Hoping for things to return to normal. He still hasn’t shown up anywhere and that is making me sink into a deep despair. More than seven billion people in this world, and there wasn’t room for one little boy on this planet.

A few weeks back, I had seen these words on a poster in a friend’s home in Xiamen:  Life is short,  Time is fast; No replay,  No rewind; So enjoy every moment, as it comes.

A couple of years ago, I might have rolled my eyes at the cliched words. Now, I get the truth in them. Life is short (especially for some), Time is fast (eleven years went in the blink of an eye), No replay, No rewind (this one I wish for the MOST. I wish I could rewind just a few years.) It is a tall order for me to ‘enjoy every moment’, but I wish I had done that when I had Zubin and had been busy complaining about the stresses of my busy life. Perhaps it would have been smarter then to call my life “full” instead of “busy”?

As I stood at the SFO airport waiting for bags, I missed the hustle and bustle of Asia.  There were several people standing around calmly waiting. In China there would be noise, food smells and people jostling past me. There is an easy familiarity to it. It conveys that no one is too important to be pushed out of the way. But after seven weeks of it, I was ready for my personal bubble to cover me again.  The shift in physical appearance also stood out to me. Here, I am a size medium. In China and South Korea, I was size extra-large, if they had any clothes in my size at all. I was told in a couple of boutique stores that I was “too big.” I do not need new clothes for now, but it is nice to know I have several options. I head back to the town where I lost my baby with a heavy heart. I wish Zubin was with me. Not only in spirit – but in physical body so I can hug him, see his little boy face and hear him chattering away a mile a minute. My heart is still waiting.

July 24, 2018

After Korea, it was time for Shenzhen. Shezhen is a bustling city on the South China sea. It used to be a small fishing village until it was designated one of the first Special Economic Zones by the Chinese government. Within a span of some 38 years it grew from a population of 30,000 to about 12 million. It has the usual high rises (so many of them) that are now obligatory of every city worth its name in China. Most major buildings have lots of LED lights on their facades. These lights come on every night at sundown, and they feel bright, cheerful and festive. Buildings are decorated, as if for Christmas, every night. I did not quite understand why all those buildings have to be so lit up in July – when there are no major national or local festivals. All that light pollution! I wonder where China gets her power from that it can afford to waste so freely? As a parent, I am used to telling my two boys (correction: now only one) to switch off lights in their rooms when they are done to save electricity.

The city is eminently livable (one of the best places for expats living in China) and only 45 minutes by ferry from Hong Kong. On the SeaWorld plaza there are many excellent restaurants with lots of cuisine choices. SeaWorld Shezhen gets its name from an old cruise ship that is docked here and is now used as a hotel. Again bright twinkling lights everywhere!

This time our cab did not take us by any cancer hospitals. But I did notice lots of children with their parents and grandparents, trying to soak up the energy of SeaWorld plaza on that workday evening. Every time I look at a kid, or see something nice or eat something mildly reaction provoking, I wonder if Zubin would have liked it. It is my way of keeping him with me all the time.

It was a rainy couple of days in Shenzhen, so we mall-walked a lot – I am sure Zubin would not have liked it! He wasn’t a shopper.

A couple of local friends recommended we visit Splendid China and Folk cultural village theme parks one afternoon. The parks are right next to each other and have been recently merged, so admission to one gets you access to both. China Folk Culture Village is a LegoWorld style theme park. It has miniature versions of major cultural and historic landmarks from all over China. It covers a large area (China has lots to see) and the replicas are very detailed and seem very similar to the real versions. It is an interesting place to hang out. One can see all of China’s major landmarks, monuments and palaces in one afternoon. Folk Cultural village has small shows to watch as well, such as local dances performed by Tibetan folk dancers and Ulgur tribal women. When we entered this section from the Splendid China side there was a Chinese opera singer belting out some piece in Mandarin (picture attached.) It was an interesting cultural experience. There is a lot of walking involved but you could opt for a tour in a little golf cart style buggy or rent one yourself without a guide and take your time exploring.

I didn’t get the impression that Shenzhen has preserved much from its past. At least no one recommended anything worth visiting on that topic. I am looking  forward to Xian later in the trip for my history binge.

July 22, 2018 

I haven’t written for a few weeks. Partly because we spent more time traveling in the last couple of weeks (I will write more about what and where in subsequent posts) but partly because I seem to have lost steam again.  Sometimes it is just hard to put words down. The feelings are intense and unrelenting and they leave no room for reflection or cohesive thought. So then all I can do is wait out this onslaught of emotion and pain.

On July 22 I found myself in Seoul, South Korea. Seoul is one of Asia’s most modern cities. The moment I stepped off the plane I could feel an instant dose of glamour injected into my surroundings. I had boarded the plane in Chengdu, China from a plain looking airport filled with the usual assortment of average dressed masses. In Incheon airport, Seoul things felt shinier all around. Impeccably dressed and perfectly made up skinny women, and dapper men. The cheekbones were impossibly high and the chins were long and shapely. I have heard that Seoul is one of The destinations for getting plastic surgery in the world. Not to discount the effort behind all this glamor, I am sure good looking folks there are products of a combination of things – little bit of plastic surgery (maybe), individual effort to dress up well and the skill to apply makeup perfectly.

Next I noticed a Cancer hospital and a Severance Hospital next to each other – an ironic play on words! I always seem to first notice cancer hospitals in any place these days. It is the lens that colors my world at this point in time.

Seoul is filled with luxury goods stores and modern glass buildings. I am not an avid shopper but I must confess that I needed a bit of that lift in the energy around me. I was there for two days. The weather was humid but cloudy – so got spared the blinding sun. The first day we went with a friend to Gyeongbokgung palace and then to a traditional Hanok place for some authentic Korean food. I forgot to note down the name but this restaurant is near the palace and I have attached a picture of its Korean sign below. Gyeongbokgung palace is painted with muted colors that are earthy versions of colors used in the palaces in China – one whispers, the other shouts. Both are impressive in their own way!

Next was walking around the Dongdaemun design plaza while carefully giving happy families with young kids a wide berth – not that I don’t like kids, I just wanted to spare myself some pain. The building is sculptural and beautiful. The exhibition of design stuff was mildly interesting. Then we headed  over to the Seoul Tower. The views from the top of the Seoul tower were eye-opening. I couldn’t believe how far out Seoul extended in the valleys between the hills overlooking it. My favorite part however was the plaza at the base of the Seoul tower. With its numerous Gingko trees and magnificent views it must be a magical spot in Fall. I asked the lady at the information desk (who spoke excellent English, *what a relief!!*) for the directions to the metro to Gangnam street (Psi was popular some three years ago and Zubin loved to dance to Gangnam Style.)  She was so friendly and grandma-like that I am sure if she had someone to leave the kiosk to, she would have taken me by the arm and personally delivered me to Gangnam. Most of the cab drivers, kiosk owners and other tourism workers in Seoul seemed older.  The people were friendly and courteous. I loved Seoul! If you find yourselves there and are looking for things to do – I would highly recommend:

1. First of all go in Fall if you can. The colors of Gingko trees are likely to sweep you off your feet
2. Gyeongbokgung palace – It is bare around the buildings. So be prepared for searing heat if you venture there in summer
3. Dongdaemun design plaza – Just to see an impressive sculpture of a modern building near ancient palaces
4. Seoul tower – It is not super high but high enough to provide beautiful views
5. Namdaemun market – For little kiosks and open shops selling a wide variety of reasonable quality cheap goods.

July 20, 2018

Last Friday I was in Chengdu, to visit the Panda Bears, or as they are called in Chinese, Xiongmao. Chengdu itself is a midsize city with the usual high rises and a large assortment of construction projects – some in progress and some abandoned. As the cab drove into the city, one of the first things that I noticed was the Sichuan Cancer Research hospital and then next door to it, a children’s hospital. There were other hospitals and buildings there too, I am sure. But my eyes are now first drawn to the hospital buildings that have the words children and cancer in them – two words that have forever altered my life. Not too long ago I was with Zubin in a similar pediatric cancer hospital on the opposite side of the world. There must have been a family on vacation then with their healthy ten year old, who would have driven by the very building where we were in the throes of our life and death drama. Just as before them, I had passed many similar buildings where sick children fought for their lives. I am sure I had hurried past, with averted eyes, confident that such a thing would never happen to us. Have I been called to do penance for all those times when I had been engrossed in my own safe cocoon, refusing to feel the suffering of other unfortunate families? All I can say is that it was not intentional. I just had a different set of problems that I was trying to solve then. Inconsequential problems in hindsight, but deserving of my full urgent attention at the time.

Life is a series of flashbacks of moments. I remember moments when Zubin was with us. And I remember so many moments when he made us laugh. Even in his last awake moments we couldn’t help but smile at his sassy words and incredibly cute gestures.  How do I feel in those moments? Like I can’t breathe. I feel claustrophobic in my own body. Then I find myself returning to the idea of staying in the moment.

Adult Pandas in their solitary lives have mastered the ability to exist in the moment. When they are eating, their attention is focused two hundred percent on the bamboo stalk in their hands. So much that if they feel tired while eating they just flop right there on their dinner table but keep on eating. Eating for survival has a whole new meaning for them. A baby panda weighs on average 100 grams (0.2 pounds) at birth.  By the time he is a year old, he weighs 40 kgs (88 pounds.) He has to eat enough bamboo to put on all that weight in 365 days. Basically they eat, they sleep, and they exist. Looking at their cute gestures and expressions and their simple lives, I felt that at the moment I wouldn’t mind being a Giant Panda. Being human comes at a great price – the ability to think and protest and expect and demand and imagine the countless what-ifs. Aren’t the simplest things the ones that give the most pleasure? The simple act of sticking with a bamboo stalk and enjoying it to the max seems a far better state than to hunger after the next exotic food in order to extract the maximum enjoyment out of life. Leave it to a grief stricken mom to get life lessons from Giant Pandas!

Zubin celebrated his brother’s birthday for the last time by giving him a Giant Panda. We had together spent a long time online looking for the perfect floppy stuffed toy. And this was his present to him. I wish he had been there to see his brother’s face when he saw the real Xiongmao for the first time. And I wish we had Zubin with us to see his cute face watching his brother’s. So many missed moments that I hungrily long for. And yet so many other precious ones to jealously preserve. We missed you so much that day Zubin.